Stories

There's a Bug in My Ear

You've probably seen the movie where Kahn puts a scary bug in Chekhov's ear. Maybe you have heard stories of earwigs burrowing into human ears and laying eggs. I sure have, and those stories came crashing down on me one night on exercise in Florida.

The Scouts were on a frontal screen line monitoring the Mechanized Infantry across Highway 85, marshaling their armored vehicles for the start of the exercise. Once they stopped traffic on the highway, that was our cue they were coming. 

As they came, we began to interdict them with pre-planned Artillery Fires, popping the first two tracked vehicles with our Dragons and then ran like hell to Alternate and Subsequent Positions. From there, we continued to slow them down and report their progress and formations.

They came on faster than expected; our notional artillery and dragon/machinegun fire weren't "killing" anyone.

After the first two R and S positions, it was clear that we couldn't cross the passage points, so Battalion ordered us to assemble as a Platoon in a pre-planned hide in a triangle of roads between the highway and the Battalion FLOT.

Mitch Pigg's section and mine made it - four gun Jeeps, two Dragons, four machine guns, four grenade launchers, and six radios. We moved deep into the triangle, camouflaged the Jeeps, set up security, and waited.

Mitch and I dismounted, grabbed a radio, and moved to an OP to continue monitoring and reporting the enemy. We could tell from the sounds that they were using the split in the road that formed two sides of our triangle, moving into the Battalion AO by two routes. They began setting up for the night using our triangle. They had us surrounded, the poor Bastards.

Mitch and I returned to our guys and put them at 100% security, improved our camouflage, and enforced strict noise and light discipline. We advised Battalion HQ of the situation, found out that the PL and Second Section were safe, and then went to Radio Listening Silence.

Then, Mitch and I got bored. 

We stripped down to a canteen, three mags, grabbed our M16s, our RECON 2/505 Stencils made just for this night, and Claymore bags filled with Orange Fluorescent Spray Paint. We gave our 2ICs a contingency plan and struck out after dark to wreak havoc on the Tread Heads. If we could help it, they weren't getting any sleep.

Happily, we went about doing what we did best - sneaking up on people. Before attacking, we spray-painted an orange RECON 2/505 on their tanks and tracks. Then we fired them up from inside their lines. What a glorious time we had, watching them scurry about, shooting at each other, searching for us with their Xenon lights and flashlights. It was hilarious.

Then it happened. A bug flew in my ear.

I don't know what kind of bug. It could have been a gnat, but the bussing in my head sounded like a B-52 Bomber was in there. I shook my head and shined a light in my ear, hoping it would come out on its own. I dug in my ear with a pine straw. The more I did, the louder it got and the deeper it went in.

Mitch quickly tired of me complaining. "I know you have a bug in your ear, you told me. Shut it. You're going to give us away. Stop Whining!" After a while, he began to have fun with my distress. "Don't worry. It's probably just an earwig. As soon as it lays its eggs, it'll probably die."

I demanded that we cease our mission and move back to the jeeps. Mitch agreed.

We moved back to the center of the triangle, but our camouflage was too good and our guys were maintaining perfect noise discipline or were dead-ass asleep. We searched for hours, then gave up and slept on the cold ground. The bug was still buzzing away in my ear.

We found our Jeeps at first light.

After the enemy moved out, we trailed them at a distance, still calling in Fire and reporting as they moved. When we had a chance, we passed through a passage point and went to the Battalion TOC. My first stop was the aid station. The medics had a look, but the bug was so far in my ear canal that they couldn't get to it. They did drown it in an attempt to flush it out. The buzzing stopped. The Doc told me not to worry; "it will come out one day."

And it did, piece by piece, wings, legs, and body parts over about a month.

I don't remember much about the rest of the exercise. Our Airborne Anti-Armor Defense (AAAD) did what it was supposed to do.

At Endex, the Scouts watched the "enemy" pass as they moved to the railhead. We were amazed at how many vehicles we had "tagged" with RECON 2/505 in bright orange paint. We were Battalion Heroes for a day.

Mitch said, "We could have gotten them all had it not been for that damn bug.